Unapologetic for My Flaws and All Read online

  BOOKS BY CHARLENA E. JACKSON, B.S., M.S., M.H.A

  No Cross, No Crown: Trust God Through the Battle

  I’m Speaking Up but You’re Not Listening

  Teachers Just Don’t Understand Bullying Hurts

  A Woman’s Love Is Never Good Enough

  To my lovely daughter, Sarah you are my precious pearl. Know your worth and never sell yourself short to make someone feel good about themselves. You are my sweet Love Bug! You fill my heart with so much peace, happiness, and joy! Thank you for all you do. I am proud of you and keep up the amazing work! I will love you for eternity!

  To my amazing one of a kind mother Mae Jackson. You are one of the most courageous women I know. Your strength gives to courage to always put my best foot forward. One thing for sure, I learned from the best, thank you! I love you to the moon and back!

  To my nieces, Shanny, Raven, Imani, Maya, Nyla, and Reese. My girls, Janan and Rania. Embrace who you are and know you deserve the best and nothing but the best! I love you all dearly!

  ***

  In memory of Dr. Deloss Brubaker (1948-2018)

  Copyright © 2019 by Charlena E. Jackson

  All rights reserved. No Part of this publication may be reproduced by a mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a photographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private use—other than for “fair used” as brief quotations embodied in article and reviews—without prior written of the author. The author assumes no responsibility for your actions.

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Printed in the United States of America

  1st edition, February, 2019

  ISBN 13: 978-1-73356-666-7

  chapters

  Chapter One

  Chapter two

  Chapter three

  Chapter four

  Chapter five

  Chapter six

  Chapter seven

  Chapter eight

  Chapter nine

  Chapter ten

  Chapter eleven

  Chapter twelve

  Chapter thirteen

  Chapter fourteen

  Chapter fifteen

  Chapter sixteen

  Chapter seventeen

  Chapter eighteen

  Chapter nineteen

  Chapter twenty

  Chapter twenty-one

  Chapter twenty-two

  Chapter twenty-three

  1

  Chapter One

  The alarm goes off and I don’t want to move. I keep my eyes

  closed, thinking about my confused life as I reach over and hit the button. I feel like every day I am on a roller coaster going up, down, in a circle, upside down, and sometimes I am going backwards without a break. It’s never-ending. There are times when I am ready to get off the ride, but if I do, I know my life will change tremendously. Maybe, change will not be a bad thing.

  People say that I am the “most popular” girl in school. I do not know how I became most popular. The best person I can be is myself. My friends, classmates, some of my teachers, and people who know me, act like my shit don’t stink. I am human and I try my best to stay humble. I guess I am the most popular person in school because I am not afraid to be myself.

  It has never been my mission to keep up with the latest style. I do not have a preferred style; however, I love to dress neatly. Most importantly, I love to dress comfortably, according to my mood. Goodwill is my favorite store. Nothing is ever the same, there is always something new or gently used. It is not like a typical store that will have the “norm” that you expect. It has some of everything, and sometimes things that you least expect–I might add, for a reasonable price. Honestly, I love the Goodwill store! Every time I walk in, I know that I am going to have a field day! It’s a one-stop-shop convenience store. I buy all my books from Goodwill. I literally live in the book section. I bought a white desk there that was in great condition, and it had a matching chair. It fits perfectly in my room. Their clothes are used, but the ones I pick are quality and gently used. At times, I find ‘affirmation’ decorations to hang on my wall. I make sure I have time on my hands when I am shopping at Goodwill because I never know what I might find.

  I always love to get my hair, toes, and nails done. They’re always on point. However, my friends and other people fail to realize that most of the time I do my own hair, nails, and toes. YouTube is my best friend! People are always coming up to me asking where I get my hair done, or what color I’m wearing on my toes and nails; they even ask me what kind of toothpaste I use to brush my teeth, because my teeth are always white. I tell them, I floss and brush my teeth with regular toothpaste like everyone else. For some people, it must be stressful being someone that you’re not. However, I do not know about that, because I am unapologetic for my flaws and all. I love me for me. There’s no reason for me to change to fit in. I am perfectly fine fitting into my own world. I love the woman who I am becoming. I wish other females would jump on board and know they are beautiful just the way they are.

  It is strange how people follow me on social media and pay close attention to who I follow. Before I follow other people, I make sure I read their profile. If I do not know them, I do not follow them at all. I tend to follow meditation, affirmation and earth picture bloggers. I am not a goody two shoes, but I am cautious because the world is crazy. Well, technically the world isn’t crazy; it’s the people that are in it.

  The other day, my best friend asked me why do I follow this person or that person. I told her, because I want too. She really gave me a speech on why I shouldn’t follow certain people. She thinks most of the people I follow are “lame”. I couldn’t entertain her, because that is the problem with so many people; they care too much about what other people think.

  She really told me I cannot follow everyone who follows me on social media. That is forbidden if I want to keep my A-1 status. She went on to say, it is a must that I have more followers than my “so-called friends” (who copy my every move.) Honestly, I totally ignored her.

  Ugh. It is annoying seeing people who break their necks trying to keep up with me. Sometimes I cannot keep up with myself because there is so much going on. Everyone is telling me about their problems; they really wait for me to give them advice. I tell them to take a number because I cannot help everybody at the same time. Shoot, half the time, I cannot help myself, let alone everyone else.

  Not to mention, my number one problem is my boyfriend. I will talk about him later. If I let him consume my mind right now I will never ever get out of bed.

  My personal problems are seeds that I’ve planted. They do not sprout when they are supposed to, and they tend to grow when I least expect it. That is when most of my problems occur. I have to work on planting my seeds at the right time so they can sprout during the right season.

  As my eyes are stilled closed, I have a good laugh. The problem isn’t planting my seeds at the right time; it’s also ensuring they get enough sunshine, rain and a lot of love. Most of the time I let them wither and die because I tend to take on too much at one time. When will I ever learn? Well, what can I say, I can only do what I can, and let the rest fall into place.

  My classes are not challenging because I love learning. Keeping my grades up is a must! I am a senior at Jackson-Miles High. I completed my high school courses in tenth grade. Since eleventh grade, I’ve been participating in the Early College Program. I am
working hard to earn more than enough credits to graduate with an Associate Degree during my high school years. I work part-time at a coffee shop because I love the smell of coffee. I know that’s silly. Although I do not drink coffee, the smell of coffee is so vibrant. It changes my mood from being confused and overwhelmed to calm and relaxed. I participate in extra activities at school, and sometimes they are a hassle.

  My goal is to stay focused because I need to make sure I have more than enough extra activities on my college applications. That way, they will see that I know to multitask.

  I am the captain of the cheerleading team. Honestly, I never cared about being captain but it would look good on my college applications as well. I’ve been cheering since I was six years old and I invested in cheerleading as a hobby. My mom was captain on her squad; and prom queen. Consequently, my mom was really popular and she loved it! As for me, as I stated earlier, I really do not care for it, as being ‘most popular’ now will soon be forgotten.

  My mom loves to “see” and “know” that I am popular. I never understood why my mother wanted me to always be the “it” girl in everything I do. When I was on the track team in ninth grade, she asked me was I the “it” girl? When I joined the debate club in tenth grade she seriously asked me, was I the “it” girl? I was like ugh, gross, Mom – the “it” girl in the debate club? The debate club isn’t focused on how “popular” we are. We are focused on executing the debate. Being very popular is the only thing my mom cares about. Sadly, my mom was never ever at one cheerleading game, she never cheered me on during my track and field meets, and she never warmed a seat in the debate tournaments. Little does she know, it would be nice to have her support.

  My friends think I have it made. I am a long way from having it made. They seriously think my family is perfect. They are so wrong. They only see material things: my house is a reasonable size. We have six bedrooms; eight bathrooms, a mini movie theater, the additional rooms we have are my parent’s offices because they own their own businesses and work from home.

  We have a nice-sized back yard with a fire pit and a gazebo (which is my favorite); therefore, my friends think my parents are rich because my father is an architect, an engineer and a contractor, and my mother is an accountant and stockbroker. My father always tells us, their money isn’t our money, because they worked hard to get where they are; and we have to do the same. That is why I work so hard; because I want to live life comfortably.

  I am so sick and tired of hearing what my friends think. They really think my mother and I are extremely close but we are becoming more and more distant. My mother thinks the definition of love is spending money. If I have a problem and I need my mother’s advice, she would say, “Breana, let’s go on a shopping spree to release your problems.” Shopping never ever cured my problems. It actually caused more problems because new problems build up on top of current problems.

  I am lost in so many ways. It is hard for me to trust, because my parents are always busy. Most of the time, my daddy spends time with me; and he does give me great advice, but it is hard to gain my mother’s attention. I am not the type of girl who acts out in the worst way for attention. I keep a lot of things deep down inside; which isn’t healthy. Nobody really knows my deepest thoughts and feelings. I let people know exactly what I want them to know. Other than that, I keep most of it in.

  Sadly, people have made me into who they “think” I am in their eyes. To them, I am “most popular”. However, as I get to know more about me, the real me is plain old Breana (Bree-un-na).

  I only can relate to the real me. I wonder if I would be liked as much as “the me I know” rather than the most popular girl in school. My mother doesn’t even see the “real” me. It bothers me most of the time; because people only see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear.

  I heard a knock on my door. I didn’t respond. Another knock. I turned over and pretended I was sleep. I heard the door open. “I know you’re up, bird brain!” a tiny high-pitched voice yelled. Oh, did I forget to mention that I have a little sister who really gets on my last nerve? Summer is a handful, but she’s smart to be in the seventh grade. I try to be there for her as much as I can because I do not want her to feel neglected. I do not want her to feel just as I do when it comes to my mother. However, I do not think she notices. Maybe she doesn’t notice because I pick up my mother’s slack. At least Summer can say her big sister was always there for her. I let her know she can always lean on me and come to me about anything.

  “Summer, please lower your voice,” I said in a groggy voice. “Get up, bird brain!” she yelled. As I threw the covers off, books and papers fell on the floor. I answered her, laughing, “Just yesterday I was brilliant in your eyes and today I have a bird brain!” She was leaning on the door, brushing her hair, and with a blue toothbrush in her mouth. Her hair wasn’t completely done, as one side was neatly tied in a bow with a bright orange ribbon. She had on black leggings, an orange shirt with black letters that spelled out “Go Tigers!” with a tiger on it looking like he is ready for a feast. “Goodness gracious, Bree-Bree, you should be ashamed of yourself. Look at your room—what in the world?” As she moved her fingers from side to side real fast, “You know you need to do something with all of this,” she scolded. “How do you sleep with all that stuff on your bed?” she asked. “Good grief, Bree-Bree, that is disgusting,” she added.

  Shaking my head, I ignored her comments. “How are you brushing your hair and brushing your teeth at the same time? That is gross. Ugh. You are going to have your nasty bacteria-filled morning saliva on my floor. I would appreciate it if you would dismiss yourself, please,” I said as I rolled over onto the scattered paper on the other side of the bed.

  “For your information, I can do anything I put my mind to. As a matter of fact, you were the one who told me that. But if you must know, I was brushing my teeth when Mommy asked me to come and see if you were up. I figured if I have to wake up my sister, who I might add has two alarm clocks (Summer shook her head) and still can’t manage to wake herself up. What a pity. Anyway, I figured I could brush my hair as I took my time walking down the hall, up the stairs to your room to wake you up. With that being said, Bree-Bree, unlike you, I manage my time wisely, thank you very much. And you’re more than welcome for my services. Therefore, I will be more than happy to dismiss myself from your messy room,” Summer responded.

  I wanted to stir the pot a little bit more, “Well, you look like a tall, skinny bumblebee. I guess waving your fingers as fast as they can go represents your wings.” I laughed and was about to say something else, but Summer abruptly cut me off. Summer yelled, “Clueless Bree-dumb-ana, I am not dressed up as a bumblebee. I am wearing orange and black. Bumblebees are yellow and black. Duh. Clearly, you can see the tiger on my shirt. Today is Spirit Week. I need for you to wash your face, brush your teeth, drink some tea, meditate or whatever you do to get yourself together. Right now, you look and sound stupid; and nothing else in between, just straight stupid!”

  Did I mention that my sister has an explanation for everything? Most of the time she has her facts lined up. It’s better to say okay and keep it moving, or she will go back and forward with you all day. “Summer, thank you for your inspirational speech,” I said. “You’re more than welcome, Breana.” Summer closed my door and yelled from the top of the steps, “Mommy, your oldest daughter is still lying in her bed, but she is awake.” My sister can be a headache sometimes, but I love her to death. I heard her marching back into my room.

  “Bree! Oh, I forget to tell you to look up! she said with excitement. I looked up at the ceiling. I blinked my eyes a couple of times, thinking I was dreaming. I muttered slowly, in my groggy voice, “What in the world???” My sister had a good laugh, “Ms. Queen of Jackson-Miles High! Do you like it?” I lay there for a moment and slowly said, “Wait. Summer, how and when did you put my prom campaign poster on my ceiling?” “Yesterday, around nine. You were knocked out asleep. Mommy and I we
re about to kill ourselves with all this mess on your bed and floor. We figured you’d like it! What do you think?” Summer said, giggling and excited at the same time. “Yes. I love it.” I replied as I stretched, trying to understand why they put it on the ceiling. “You do? I thought you would!” Summer said, smiling. She added, “I am going to run for prom queen too. I am going to follow in your and Mommy’s footsteps.” She looked up at the ceiling and said, “I love your peach puffy dress. You look like a princess with your hair pinned up with a sparkly diamond crown. You’re so beautiful in this picture. Too bad you do not look the same when you wake up. Bree, you look like ugh. Ugh. Just ugh.”

  “Bye, Summer,” I replied dryly. “You don’t have to tell me a second time, Ms. Grinch of Jackson-Miles High!” Summer cried, as she got a kick out of her lame joke. She was about to close the door. “Summer,” I said quickly. “Yes, Mean Queen?” She asked, smirking. “Come here.” She walked over and I gave her a big hug. “Thank you, baby sis! I love the effort, and you are the best sister in the world and I appreciate you!” Summer said, “May I remind you, I am your only sister, Bree. Give me a break with all the lovey-dovey stuff,” Summer laughed as she tried to pull away. I held her tight and kissed her with my wet stinky-breath lips. She ran out of my room as fast as she could. I yelled, still laughing, “I love you, Summer!” As she ran down the steps she yelled, “Although you have spoiled trashy breath, Bree-Bree, I love you too.”

  I laughed and shook my head as I reach over to check my phone. I don’t remember dozing off last night. Brian called me three times. I hope everything is okay. Or maybe he was calling to argue over nothing like always.

  I scrolled down and saw seven text messages.

  Text: Monday, 7:46 p.m.

  “Breana, are you up?”

  “Bree, call me back.”

  “Bree. Stop playing. Hit me back.”